Everybodys got a plan till they get punched in the mouth..........Mike Tyson

 

“Some people wonder all their lives if they've made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem.”

“You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.”

Ronald Reagan

 

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Women should be obscene and not heard.

 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of progress?

 

Humans say the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Why? Do they think there's a shortage of bad ones?
Karm'Luk P'an Ku, "The Joy of Lucidity" CY 8633

“We are a generation of men raised by women, somehow I don’t think another woman is the answer!”
Tyler Durden from Fight Club

When choosing between two evils, choose the one with the largest breasts.
Me

 

metaquote:

Milan Lucic on WZLX [October 30], when asked "if you were in a dark alley with another man, could you kill him with your bare hands?"
He replied: "I think so, I would just rip his arm off and beat him with it"

"Glad to hear Lucic is coming to accept his abilities." - Jack Thibault on Caveman Strong's Facebook wall

 

What, me worry?
Alfred E. Neuman

"Here, hold my beer and watch this"
Famous last words.

 

Another that I like:

~ I would prefer even to fail with honor than to win by cheating ~ Sophocles

 

"Amigo! Amigo!"
--George W. Bush, calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in Spanish at the G-8 Summit, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

 

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life... Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.