Jokes
 

Again, to keep the lounge from being inundated by numerous threads for jokes please place all PG-13 jokes here. All other jokes should be placed in the Jokes Thread in the Dungeon (Premium Membership Required). Thanks for your cooperation.

Moved

Hollywood Squares
 

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.


Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour.. In what sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!


Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A . Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A .. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q.Back in the old days, when great grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A Paul Lynde ... a pair of 38's ..


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Those are as old as me , but still make me laugh....:lol:

Thanks,

Cajun / Al

That was my same reaction when I read the mail yesterday.:p:

Pants vs. Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.’

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here, you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your dumb-ass attitude,
you never will.

Man's perspective about wife
 


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

The Human Body
 

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

:thumb:.............:D

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at WAL-MART for my dog and I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think - that I had an elephant?)

Since I have a warped sense of humor, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the "Oprah" recommended Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I ended up in the hospital. I'd lost 50 pounds when I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

She asked me about the diet.... I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way it works is to you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the >bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

One Man's Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that Course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had Prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely Going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, Which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day Both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my Intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often Haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a Mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, Forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one Step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, IT happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, Oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned Into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into IT unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", If you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through The store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying That I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle Of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and Disgustedly said, "Sonofa*****!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose And, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Home Depot. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!

New Investment
 

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But. . .
If you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund,
you will have received $214.00.
Based on all the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.
It is called the 401-keg.

:lol::bow::thumb:
I've known that for years

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.


Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down Rte. 84,
pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror,
he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing?
I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go.'


The old gentleman paused. Then said,
'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank goodness you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her Mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if them a******s at Home Depot ever deliver the f****n' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

The Aisle Seat
 

The Aisle
Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a
flight out of London . One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in
the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat
down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes
off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I
need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine,
'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned
with the coke, the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one,
too.' Again, the Marine
obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other
Arab picked up the
Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine
returned, they all sat back
and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped
his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had
happened. He leaned over
and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it
have to be this way?' 'How long
must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE
MARINES

:D

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda' figured we was friends.'

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Oh dear.

:lol: good one

hehehehehehehehe

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the
country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks
his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign
hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who
is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker..

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering
young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear
whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

The miracle of toilet paper
 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I
asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says , 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

What do you do when you see your wife staggering in the back yard?
















Reload :lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

Two Ivy Leagues coeds are taking their spring break vacation in Texas when a good ol boy starts hitting on them by the pool. “So what school ya’ll go to?”

“Yale.” Says one of the girls.

"I SAID WHAT SCHOOL YA'LL GO TO?"

:lol: Hey Texans... Attachment 33727

Two brothers grew up in the coal mining region of Kentucky.The elder brother decided that coal mining wasn't for him so he went off to college and became a business tycoon.The younger brother stayed behind to take care of the parents and work the mines like their father.One day,several years along,the elder son got a call from the younger son informing him that their Dad had died.The elder son told his brother that he had an important business deal to finalize in Europe and that he couldn't fly home to Kentucky.So he told his brother to give their Dad a first class funeral and send him the bills.
A month passes and the elder son starts going through the bills and pays them.The next month he sees another bill from a men's clothier.Thinking he forgot to pay the bill the prior month,he fires off a check.The NEXT month he gets a bill from the same place.Knowing that he paid the bill,he calls his younger brother.
"Why do I keep getting bills from a men's store for Dad?"
"Remember you said to give Dad a first class send off?"
"Yes."
"Well,I rented him a tux!"

Owned??
 

You Know You’re from Ohio When...

You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means driving through Hocking Hills or going to King's Island.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends.
Isn't it sad? You just said "yup" and "uh-huh" or aint that the truth" to m

Why do the police HATE hillbilly murder crime scenes?
 

because there are NO dental records and EVERYONE's DNA matches!

C- less than half fit. The rest came from podunk somewhere. Oh, BTW down South is South of a line running from Youngstown through Canton to Toledo.

How to fix the Economy
 

How to fix the Economy

.Hey, this would work! Cheaper too.


This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2)) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that! PS If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes…:nuts::nuts::nuts:

Gov't taking over dealer warranties now:

http://www.reason.tv/video/show/742.html

How much is 40 million million dollars?

Prius Bastard:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k3...iusbastard.jpg