Jokes
02-23-2009, 05:58 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 08-20-2006
Location: Hillsdale, Michigan
Posts: 21,640
Jokes
Again, to keep the lounge from being inundated by numerous threads for jokes please place all PG-13 jokes here. All other jokes should be placed in the Jokes Thread in the Dungeon (Premium Membership Required). Thanks for your cooperation.
02-23-2009, 06:00 PM
#2
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 08-20-2006
Location: Hillsdale, Michigan
Posts: 21,640
Moved
Cancel your credit card before you die.. Thought this was funny.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when
she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0
balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when
she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0
balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
03-02-2009, 06:46 PM
#3
Senior Member
Join Date: 06-02-2008
Location: Fairport Harbor, OH
Posts: 2,358
Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour.. In what sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A . Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A .. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q.Back in the old days, when great grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A Paul Lynde ... a pair of 38's ..
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour.. In what sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A . Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A .. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q.Back in the old days, when great grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A Paul Lynde ... a pair of 38's ..
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
03-03-2009, 07:24 AM
#6
Senior Member
Join Date: 08-06-2008
Location: Grand Haven, MI
Posts: 1,761
Pants vs. Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.’
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here, you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your dumb-ass attitude,
you never will.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.’
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here, you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your dumb-ass attitude,
you never will.
03-04-2009, 09:04 AM
#7
Senior Member
Join Date: 06-02-2008
Location: Fairport Harbor, OH
Posts: 2,358
Man's perspective about wife
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
03-05-2009, 06:43 AM
#8
Senior Member
Join Date: 06-02-2008
Location: Fairport Harbor, OH
Posts: 2,358
The Human Body
The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
.............
03-05-2009, 07:16 AM
#10
Member
Join Date: 01-21-2009
Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan
Posts: 47
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at WAL-MART for my dog and I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think - that I had an elephant?)
Since I have a warped sense of humor, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the "Oprah" recommended Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I ended up in the hospital. I'd lost 50 pounds when I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
She asked me about the diet.... I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way it works is to you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore
Since I have a warped sense of humor, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the "Oprah" recommended Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I ended up in the hospital. I'd lost 50 pounds when I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
She asked me about the diet.... I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way it works is to you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore