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Old 03-12-2009, 06:20 AM
Join Date: 01-21-2009
Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan
Posts: 47
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:21 AM
Join Date: 01-21-2009
Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan
Posts: 47
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda' figured we was friends.'
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:23 AM
Join Date: 01-21-2009
Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan
Posts: 47
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her

The minister fainted.
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Old 04-03-2009, 12:17 PM
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Join Date: 09-09-2006
Location: Fresno, California (formerly of Modesto, Ca. -- hometown of George Lucas, formerly of Winnipeg, Mb.)
Posts: 930
Oh dear.
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Old 04-03-2009, 12:52 PM
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Join Date: 02-25-2008
Location: Bethlehem,PA
Posts: 330
good one
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Old 04-03-2009, 01:08 PM
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Join Date: 03-07-2006
Location: Elmira, NY
Posts: 389
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:41 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: 12-30-2006
Location: Lake Conroe, Texas
Posts: 1,141
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the
country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks
his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign
hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00




HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who
is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker..

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering
young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear
whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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Old 04-03-2009, 04:59 PM
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Join Date: 05-09-2006
Location: "Upland" Mesa, Arizona
Posts: 6,742
The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says , 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
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Old 04-03-2009, 05:25 PM
Join Date: 02-07-2009
Location: Dundas
Posts: 66
What do you do when you see your wife staggering in the back yard?

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Old 04-03-2009, 05:26 PM
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Join Date: 11-23-2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 8,202
Originally Posted by Snoopy View Post
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
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