gcsd3742

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."
...
He replies, "Gotcha!"

Talvanos

Fresh from a shower, a wife stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her "it's not so", he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

She stoppes. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

harleysshhr

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

Nor-Cal HHR Club

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.

Mowgli

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road.
He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job.
He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift.
He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road.
Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road.
He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem,
"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road."
"Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

XtremeModifier

Some auto-related humor (all first-hand stories...)

Okay, first of all, the High School prank me and 3 of my friends (from No. Mercer / So. Hunderton Counties ... all of us attended So. Hunderton Co. High) pulled. See, the local 5-0 would park a "dummy car" (you know, with the dummy behind the wheel of a patrol car to make people slow down) on my friend's front yard, guaranteed, at least once/week. So, we built a Donut Stand. Not just any donut stand, we went out, bought a "blow-up doll" and whole 9 yards (had donut boxes, signs, etc. etc.) and waited (at 4 AM!!!) for them to set up the car. Sure enough, after 3 nights of waiting, they parked old Unit 31 out in front of my friend's house. No sooner did they drive off (in another squad car) than we ran out, and, on the edge of his property, and right next to the squad car, set up the Donut Stand we had carefully prepared. Then, we ran back into the woods, and waited.

At first one passerby looked, then started laughing so hard they pulled off the road. Then another. Time flew by, and next thing we know, we have a whole line of cars, with the drivers out of their cars, laughing at this dummy cop stopping off to get some donuts, with extra cream, from the blow-up-doll at a donut stand on the side of a road.




Ten minutes later, the local PD, Sheriff's Office, and State Police showed up. Turns out, local dunkin donuts had run out, and when they heard about the new supply in town, they just HAD to check it out!!!


Second joke: see, my ex-gf (she broke up with me because I drove a "Piece of **** clunker" aka the 2-time SCCA Regionals Champion MX-6 race car I built myself) pulled into the auto shop where I worked, 2 days after she broke up with me, and the day after the prom (when she used my prom tickets I bought her for her and her new bf). She told me the "headlight warning light" had come on. I went out to check it out, with the manager of the store (who is still a friend of mine ... he said he would've fired me, but he knew how she stood me up, and would've done it too...) and saw that the HIGH BEAM light was on in the car (yes, this has happened a lot at this Pep Boys near Princeton, NJ). I told her she needed some headlight fluid, but we had just sold out when that F-450 came in since it took 2 gallons, but I told her "I think the Advance Auto Parts down on Olden Ave should have it for you". She said thanks and her new bf was cussing about "how can you run out of something so common as headlight fluid?" and "what type (grade) should we get? what brand is best?" etc. etc.

I then called the Advance Auto Parts up, told them she was on her way. I think they made it to 10 or 12 more stores before they gave up, or someone secretly flipped off the high beam light b/c they didn't know where else to send them. Still cracks me up, though, that not only did she not know (she was blond, though, so I didn't think she would) but her new bf, who drove two 'vettes and an f-body, and always talked about how much he knew about cars, didn't know either.


Third one (not really a joke so much as a good ol' time fun prank to pull):

Out, about 5 mi. Due N.E. of Hopewell, there's an old, abandoned train line (from WAY back when, before standardized signage and such...) . Either way, no red lights, no arms, no nothing, just about 50' of train line on either side of the tracks (hidden behind trees) with the line crossing the street, then beyond that, all the tracks are yanked out, and the ground has become overgrown, and is now part of two of my friend's parent's farms. Either way, with train horns and off-road lights on our trucks, we'd have one person go out up the road and look out for out-of-state plates, and they'd radio to us "3rd car back with the burned out headlight" or something like that (this is all late at night mind you). So, as they approached the track crossing, we'd hit the off-road lights, then the train horns, and watch them slam the brakes and skid to a stop by the tracks, then we'd all turn out the lights, and laugh as they drove off (pissed off like no other).


Ahh ... the good ol' times of growing up in the backwoods in Central Jersey, lol.

Alzonie

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he
approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

" Rye and Ginger and women with big tits."

TomsHHR

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?


Apparently the correct answer is Africa. I've been asked to find another place to worship.

Nor-Cal HHR Club

From the Daily Telegraph:

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

Alzonie

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!