My wife says we can no longer afford beer,that I have to give it up....
I catch her one day spending $65 on cosmetics....
I says how comes I can't have beer but you can buy makeup?
She says...Its so I can look good for you!
I says..Thats what the beer was for......

 

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting too big?


She can wear your wifes clothes!!! KA-Cheeeeeeeee!!!

 

so im riding along with my friend who is driving. we come up to a red light and he flies right through it. "what are you doing?" i said. "calm down my brother drives like this." he says. so sure enough we come up to another red light and he flies right through it again! " what the heck are you doing?" i said. "calm down...... my BROTHER drives like this!." so on the seat of my pants we are approaching another light and im praying it stays green. we get up to the green light and he stops. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" i said. he says "my brother might be coming the other way".


George Carlin May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008
My All time favorite comedian/religion!

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said
Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

So Two iIrishman Walk out of this Bar ....stop laughing ! ...no really it could happen !

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And so The Christmas Season begins......

 

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

That's all I got, there ain't no more, I'll go back to drooling on the floor.

 

The older we get....

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets..

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to
mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by
the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how
much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy
that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do
you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and
the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked
the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use
paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some
Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave
him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're
stupid!!!!

I was reminded, so I'm reminding you also. Please Do not
laugh..... this is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who
walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable
size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your
convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

Frozen Skunk


A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'OK, Get in the car with it.'
The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' said the wife.

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover.................... . . . .