843de

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil dry (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Throw oil dry (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 2010 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil dry (aka kitty litter) onto spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.

Greybeard999

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'


The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...



She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


'There's no charge,' she says.


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'



'So I just switched the heads.'

ChevyMgr

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"


"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

ChevyMgr

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

843de

This happened today at lunch with a friend, not really a joke but I nearly p*ssed my pants laughing so hard.

We were eating our burgers when this big girl, like 400+ pounds big walked by the table dressed head to toe in pink, I mean eye watering nearly neon pink. My buddy Jim put his head down on the table and started to moan "not again, not again, when will this ever stop happening". I said what's wrong man, he looked up at me and pointed in the direction of the big girl in pink and said, "man I've been sober for 19 years and 11 months, when will I stop seeing Pink Elephants?".

That did it, I think they heard me howling a block away, then I lost it again in the parking lot, and twice on the Interstate. Jim just isn't someone you'd call funny, but dang it he nearly did me in with that.

Snoopy

This one kind of reminds me of some members of the car forums........

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”


~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

daddy2isaiah04

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says "want to make a little money tonight?" "Sure" the guy replies, "what do you need me to do?" The bartender say if you can accomplish these 3 tasks I'll give you $1000.

"Do you see the big guy over in the corner? He's the bouncer here and has never lost a fight, you need to kick is ass." "Piece of cake." (he then orders a couple shots of whiskey and downs them)

"What else?" Well, there is a dog out behind the bar with a tooth ache. I need you to pull out the bad tooth. "Got it" the guy replies.

"What's the third task?" "Well, there is an 80 year old prostitute upstairs that has never had an orgasm..." "No problem."

The man then orders a couple more shots of whiskey and rushes over to the bouncer and beats the daylights out of him. He then drinks another shot and rushes out the back door. Everyone in the bar hears the dog yelping and growling and a lot of ruckus outside.

The man then emerges staggering back in to the bar. He then looks at the bartender and says...."Now where is the hooker with the loose tooth?!?"

hhrfreek

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink and realizes he forgot his wallet.

The bar tender says, "Don't worry. I tell you what. I have a horse in the back. You make him laugh and this drink is on the house."

So the man walks in back and talks to the horse and suddenly the horse laughs uncontrollably. The man sits back down, finishes his drink, thanks the bartender and is on his way.

The following night the man stops by the bar again, this time with his wallet, and orders a drink. The man is about to pay for his drink and the bartender stops him...

"Say. last night you made my horse laugh. I'll tell you what. If you make my horse cry tonight, all your drinks are on the house."

So the man walks into the back and the bartender hears the horse start laughing, but...suddenly the bartenders' horse starts crying.

The man walks slowly out of the back room zipping up his fly, sits down and enjoys his free drinks.

The bartender, bewildered and astonished, as no one has ever even made the horse laugh asks the man what he said to make his proud stallion laugh and then cry!

The man replies, "Well last night I told your horse that my penis is bigger than his."

The bartender says, "Ok, then what the heck did you say to make my horse cry tonight?"

The man, on his way out of the bar, stops and says "I didn't say anything. I proved it."

dandhcomputers

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

Haplo

(from memory so... )

Josh's parents are so proud of him because he makes straight A's in all his subjects but math. They just cannot figure out what to do to help him because he always gets a D or even an F! They've tried talking to teachers, private tutors, sitting down with him and trying to help him through his homework themselves and just nothing seems to help.

One day Josh's Dad is talking about it with his neighbor who tells him he oughtta try their school. It's not all that expensive, and it is a Catholic school, but it being a private school the classes are smaller and their daughter's grades improved remarkably since she started going there.

But his Dad wasn't so sure about it, especially since they were not a religious family. Finally however, the last report card of the year came out and sure enough all A's, but there was that big glaring F in math.

So Fall comes around and they all decide it is time to try out the private school. Dad drops off Josh who is obviously nervous and says 'Hey don't worry. We'll go grab some ice cream or something to celebrate your first day in your new school when you're out ok?' So Josh smiles feeling a little bit better and heads off into his new school.

About 3:30pm Dad pulls up and sees Josh running for the car. As he bolts inside he smiles and says 'Ready to go to the Ice Cream parlor?'
'NO!!' Josh almost shouts turning sheet white. 'Let's get home I have a lot of homework to do.' Dad is astonished, but figures this is as good as any kind of new place jitters a kid could have so they go home.

Josh goes straight to his room and won't come out until they call him for dinner, then he goes straight back to his room until it is time for bed. His parents are completely dumbfounded. He won't even go out to play on weekends and is becoming obsessed and almost haggard over his homework.

Finally the day comes and Dad brings him home and as usual Josh heads straight for his room but his Mom catches him and says that this has got to stop. She pulls out a letter she received that day and opens it, places it on the table and it is his first grade card. Straight A's with an A+ in MATH!!!

His Dad is shocked and both of them sit him down and start asking him what made the difference? Do you like your teachers better? 'No I don't' said Josh. Well did you make some new friends? Or do you like the school more? 'No...' and his lip began to tremble, a tear began to form.

His father was on the verge of outrage not knowing what was wrong or right with his son. 'Josh I want you to tell me what is going on right now! I'm very proud of you for doing so well, but what is going on?'

'Well...' he choked and wiped his eys 'That first day you dropped me off and I walked down the hallway I... I saw that kid in the hallway nailed to the plus sign and I knew they meant buisness!!!'

The End

Compliments of my Nephew who went to Catholic school. lol