Need a quick proof read
06-08-2006, 01:18 PM
#1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 04-27-2006
Location: KS
Posts: 37
Need a quick proof read
I'm about to submit this for publication in our local newspaper and need someone to read it over real quick and make sure there aren't any horribly embarassing typos. LOL
HELP!!
This is an open letter to the person or persons who on or about June 3 took part in the theft of a green “chaos” 20” boys bicycle from our front porch at 6th street and *****.
My initial reaction is to spew forth a lengthy string of “shame on you” and “what gives you the rights”. Instead of reminding you what a lowly person you are I’d like to tell you a little about the victim of your crime – my 9 year old son, Chase.
Chase loved little more than riding his bicycle. During the school year he would rush home and immediately do his homework so he could ride. He couldn’t wait until summer so he could spend his days on his bike. He loved to ride to the public library, the basketball courts and to his Great Grandma’s house. His summer goal was to work up to riding to and from TaeKwonDo and his Grandpa’s house.
This is Chase’s second bike that has been stolen. Both were birthday gifts. Both were on our front porch.
I personally cannot imagine what was going through your mind when you took his bike. I can, however, tell you that if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad, you failed. Instead of feeling sorry for himself or becoming angry, Chase came home from filing the police report and immediately set forth trying to earn the money to buy a new bike. He called family and friends asking if he could take out their trash or water their flowers or sweep their porches. It may take him awhile to save up enough to replace the bike you took but he’s determined nonetheless.
Chase asks anyone who knows anything about who took his bike to please contact the Police Department.
HELP!!
This is an open letter to the person or persons who on or about June 3 took part in the theft of a green “chaos” 20” boys bicycle from our front porch at 6th street and *****.
My initial reaction is to spew forth a lengthy string of “shame on you” and “what gives you the rights”. Instead of reminding you what a lowly person you are I’d like to tell you a little about the victim of your crime – my 9 year old son, Chase.
Chase loved little more than riding his bicycle. During the school year he would rush home and immediately do his homework so he could ride. He couldn’t wait until summer so he could spend his days on his bike. He loved to ride to the public library, the basketball courts and to his Great Grandma’s house. His summer goal was to work up to riding to and from TaeKwonDo and his Grandpa’s house.
This is Chase’s second bike that has been stolen. Both were birthday gifts. Both were on our front porch.
I personally cannot imagine what was going through your mind when you took his bike. I can, however, tell you that if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad, you failed. Instead of feeling sorry for himself or becoming angry, Chase came home from filing the police report and immediately set forth trying to earn the money to buy a new bike. He called family and friends asking if he could take out their trash or water their flowers or sweep their porches. It may take him awhile to save up enough to replace the bike you took but he’s determined nonetheless.
Chase asks anyone who knows anything about who took his bike to please contact the Police Department.
06-08-2006, 01:35 PM
#2
Senior Member
Join Date: 04-19-2006
Location: Arvada CO
Posts: 5,065
Originally Posted by baby143forever
I'm about to submit this for publication in our local newspaper and need someone to read it over real quick and make sure there aren't any horribly embarassing typos. LOL
HELP!!
This is an open letter to the person or persons who on or about June 3 took part in the theft of a green “chaos” 20” boys bicycle from our front porch at 6th street and *****.
My initial reaction was to spew forth a lengthy string of “shame on you” and “what gives you the rights”. Instead of reminding you what a lowly person you are, I’d like to tell you a little about the victim of your crime – my 9 year old son, Chase.
Chase loved little more than riding his bicycle. During the school year, he would rush home and immediately do his homework so he could ride. He couldn’t wait until summer so he could spend his days on his bike. He loved to ride to the public library, the basketball courts and to his Great Grandma’s house. His summer goal was to work up to riding to and from TaeKwonDo and his Grandpa’s house.
This is Chase’s second bike that has been stolen. Both were birthday gifts. Both were on our front porch.
I personally cannot imagine what was going through your mind when you took his bike. I can, however, tell you that if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad, you failed. Instead of feeling sorry for himself or becoming angry, Chase came home from filing the police report and immediately set forth trying to earn the money to buy a new bike. He called family and friends asking if he could take out their trash, water their flowers or sweep their porches. It may take him awhile to save up enough to replace the bike you took but he’s determined nonetheless.
Chase asks anyone who knows anything about who took his bike to please contact the Police Department.
HELP!!
This is an open letter to the person or persons who on or about June 3 took part in the theft of a green “chaos” 20” boys bicycle from our front porch at 6th street and *****.
My initial reaction was to spew forth a lengthy string of “shame on you” and “what gives you the rights”. Instead of reminding you what a lowly person you are, I’d like to tell you a little about the victim of your crime – my 9 year old son, Chase.
Chase loved little more than riding his bicycle. During the school year, he would rush home and immediately do his homework so he could ride. He couldn’t wait until summer so he could spend his days on his bike. He loved to ride to the public library, the basketball courts and to his Great Grandma’s house. His summer goal was to work up to riding to and from TaeKwonDo and his Grandpa’s house.
This is Chase’s second bike that has been stolen. Both were birthday gifts. Both were on our front porch.
I personally cannot imagine what was going through your mind when you took his bike. I can, however, tell you that if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad, you failed. Instead of feeling sorry for himself or becoming angry, Chase came home from filing the police report and immediately set forth trying to earn the money to buy a new bike. He called family and friends asking if he could take out their trash, water their flowers or sweep their porches. It may take him awhile to save up enough to replace the bike you took but he’s determined nonetheless.
Chase asks anyone who knows anything about who took his bike to please contact the Police Department.
06-08-2006, 01:45 PM
#3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 04-27-2006
Location: KS
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by courthousedeb
Didn't see much wrong with it. I added a couple commas and changed an "is" you had to "was". I'm no english teacher by any means, but hope this helps. And that just sucks that this has happened to him. Guess you'll have to invest in a lock and hook it up to something to keep it from happening again. Some people just don't have any regard for the property of others. Good luck finding the bike and tell Chase we're real sorry this happened to him. Sounds like he's got a good attitude, but if it keeps happening...that could change. If you lived in Denver, I have all sorts of things he could help with.
We did invest in a lock and most nights he had it locked up. That one night he forgot, though it was on our front porch. That's the main reason he is earning the money himself.
Thanks for the offer of work. We're actually in Kansas but there are days when shipping him off to another state sounds like a good idea. LOL (not really...he's good as gold 99% of the time)
06-08-2006, 01:48 PM
#4
Senior Member
Join Date: 04-19-2006
Location: Arvada CO
Posts: 5,065
No problem...I've done the same thing. Looks great when I type it out and then print it and I'm like where did that come from.
Bet he won't be forgetting to put on the lock anytime soon. Ship him to me if ya want...I've got a 10 year old grandson that would love him to pieces.
Bet he won't be forgetting to put on the lock anytime soon. Ship him to me if ya want...I've got a 10 year old grandson that would love him to pieces.
06-08-2006, 01:51 PM
#5
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 04-27-2006
Location: KS
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by courthousedeb
No problem...I've done the same thing. Looks great when I type it out and then print it and I'm like where did that come from.
Bet he won't be forgetting to put on the lock anytime soon. Ship him to me if ya want...I've got a 10 year old grandson that would love him to pieces.
Bet he won't be forgetting to put on the lock anytime soon. Ship him to me if ya want...I've got a 10 year old grandson that would love him to pieces.
06-08-2006, 02:01 PM
#7
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: 04-27-2006
Location: KS
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by courthousedeb
Sure...why not? I've got 6 grandchildren and have one those ages too. 
Okay, so actually I'm going to go try to get them to all take a nap.
Thanks again for the help.
06-08-2006, 02:23 PM
#8
Founding Member
Join Date: 03-12-2006
Location: Lake Isabella CA
Posts: 6,543
I bet local merchants, once reading that letter, might even donate a bike to Chase!
Heck, I'll chip in a few bucks myself!
My father used to place his business cards in the seat post down tube of my bikes as a kid. In the event they were ever stolen and recovered, it served as proof of some sort of ownership!
Heck, I'll chip in a few bucks myself!
My father used to place his business cards in the seat post down tube of my bikes as a kid. In the event they were ever stolen and recovered, it served as proof of some sort of ownership!
06-08-2006, 02:29 PM
#9
Member
Join Date: 05-31-2006
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 57
Actually, it's fairly well done. If you wanted to add more empahsis, I'd suggest changing the line "...if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad, you failed."
You could finish the line this way: "...if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad: You failed."
Of course, I don't know that someone who would steal a child's bike from a neighbor's porch would understand the difference, or be worth the trouble.
You could finish the line this way: "...if your intention was to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad: You failed."
Of course, I don't know that someone who would steal a child's bike from a neighbor's porch would understand the difference, or be worth the trouble.