FAKE TEXANS

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Enid, Oklahoma, traveled to
Lewisville, Texas for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown
street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
Shirts $2.00 each and, Trousers $2.50 a pair. Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo,
Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Enid,
sell 'em to all our friends and make a fortune fer us."

Bubba Wayne continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay
? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Okie accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Texan drawl so's they won't know."

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Texan drawl, "I'll take
50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each
and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my
pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain'cha?"

"Well.. ..yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners.

 

Clean jokes lets see............................................... ...............

Sorry I drew a blank I can not think of any

 

TECH SUPPORT CALLS

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I 'm not Bill Gates.
===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says
he can't find it...
===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7---
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== =============



Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============



Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a

screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.
===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
C ustomer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.


Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine."
===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and Does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

 

A Childs View
__________________________________________________ ____________________
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile
"We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
__________________________________________________ ____________________
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered

"I think it's Adam's underwear."

 

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!

Signed
Garfield

 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money.