DJNateGnau

Actual converstaions between aircraft & control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

************************************************** ********
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise
can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

************************************************** ********
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
queue: "I'm f..ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

************************************************** ********
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** ********
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC
asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************** ************************************************** *


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.


San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you
are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


************************************************** ************************************************** **


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the
fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that
had one engine shut down.


"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."


************************************************** ************************************************** ***

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in
Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):


"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


************************************************** ************************************************** *


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7 "Eastern 702


Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. !Did
you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."


************************************************** ************************************************** ****


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower
to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8
parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough
parts for another one."


************************************************** ************************************************** ***


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
dark, -- And I didn't land."


************************************************** ************************************************** **


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a
US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,
but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir
2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
****pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

captain howdy

I loved the two German ones.

fenris222

Nice Nate! Good hoot to start the morning.

DJNateGnau

LOL, You're welcome.