Jokes
07-27-2020, 02:05 PM
#204
Senior Member
Join Date: 04-20-2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 844
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by drowning herself in the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for", Said the man, "I'm a sailor and we're off for Italy tomorrow. I can stow you on my ship. Bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she'd always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and stowed her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and made love to her until dawn. Three week later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here". Asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors.". She replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see". Said the captain.
Her conscious gets the best of her and she adds, "Plus he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", Replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
"You have so much to live for", Said the man, "I'm a sailor and we're off for Italy tomorrow. I can stow you on my ship. Bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she'd always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and stowed her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and made love to her until dawn. Three week later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here". Asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors.". She replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see". Said the captain.
Her conscious gets the best of her and she adds, "Plus he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", Replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
08-12-2020, 08:50 PM
#209
Senior Member
Join Date: 07-02-2013
Location: Claremont, CA
Posts: 7,827
Best Sports Quotes: Head Scratching Comments That Make You Go “Hmmm...”
Mike Bullock 11 hrs agoNo matter where you fall on the Bill O’Brien fan ladder (is he a super-genius or just Wile E.Coyote?) he’s yet to make the list of greatest verbal blunders in sports. Despite getting paid to play a kid's game and enjoy celebrity status, some of these people clearly have brain bloopers like the rest of us. With all that’s going on in the world right now (whether you’re life if currently disturbed by COVID or Coral, or anything in between) we thought this list might bring a smile to your face, some laughter to your lips and elevate your current mental state of mind (as opposed to a mental state of some other kind?).
Joe Theismann, super bowl MVP
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Bill Peterson, Florida State coach
You guys line up alphabetically by height!
Shaq
I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.
John Madden
Here’s a guy, here’s a guy who when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.
Lou Duva (boxing trainer discussing fighter Andrew Golota)
He’s a guy who gets up at 6 o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
Pat Williams, ex-Orlando Magic GM
We can’t win at home, we can’t win on the road. As a general manager, I can’t figure out where else to play.
Steve Spurrier (discussing a fire at Auburn’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books)
The real tragedy was that 15 of them hadn’t been colored in yet
Jim Finks, former New Orleans Saints GM (when asked about NFL referees after a game)
I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating
Ben Roethlisberger (on how to beat an opponent)
I think, for me at least, we have to try to score more points than they do
Bill Peterson, Florida State coach
You guys pair up in groups of 3, then line up in a circle
Jacques Plante, NHL Goalie
Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?
Yogi Berra
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical
Chuck Nevitt, ex- Houston Rocket
My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt
Kevin Keegan, former soccer player
The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23!
Rocky Graziano, former boxer
I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.
Lou Duva, former boxing promoter
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.
Doug Collins, former basketball player
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.
Pete Rose
I’d be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball.
Karl Malone
I ain’t gonna be no escape goat.
Greg Norman, golf pro
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Unknown NFL head coach
If we hadn’t lost, we had a good chance of winning
Charles Shackleford
I can dribble with my right hand and my left, I’m amphibious.
William “Refrigerator” Perry
I’ve been big ever since I was little
Booger McFarlane
If the Ravens score more points than the Rams tonight, I like their chances to continue this winning streak.
John Madden
They’ll score if they can just get into the endzone.
Mike Tyson on retirement
I guess I’m going to fade into Bolivian.
