Yeah, he's fine. Too hard headed to get hurt.

So far this morning.
Cleaned the starter contacts (Saw it on YouTube)
Tried rotating the motor (turns fine)
Taking the battery in for testing as I have nothing else with top post. Even my 99 suburban is side
If this does not work off comes the valve cover.

Boy I hope the battery fails load testing. It's a Deco OEM so maybe...

 

It is not the battery.
I have 12v at the fuse box and 12v at the starter also.

I removed the valve cover and when I manually turn the engine the timing chain moves also.

At a loss.

 

12.5 volts is good, 12 volts isn’t. You might also have a dead cell in that battery, take it to your local parts palace to have it load tested.

 

Take the valve cover off and look at the timing chain, like was suggested first. You description matches "broken chain".

 

I did this morning. They said it was fine. My reading was actually 12.3 at both. Sorry, I should have been more precise.

I did that. Chain looked fine and when I rotated the engine by hand the chain turned also.

 

12.3 is still low. 12.7 is full, 12.0 is dead.

 

Reversed roles with the wife. She cranked on it while I watched instead of the other way around. The engine IS rotating. It is just not trying at all to fire, not hitting a lick, like zero compression.

Honestly, at this point I think it jumped time. Maybe a tensioner broke? This exceeds my tools and, frankly my knowledge. Looks like I will have to tow it to a shop to get looked at. Hopefully it is fixable.

 

When you looked at the chain, was it nice and tight? Did you take a picture?

 

Sorry for the delay. I had to put a tensioner on my son's Buick. Coolant hoses plugged into the tensioner bracket. Weird. Suburban died also, but just a bad battery. Hell of a weekend. The only thing not breaking down my daily, a Bolt EV.

The chain looked tight, although the links did not all appear straight. I did not get a pic.

 

See what kind of voltage you have at the starter while cranking.