Guts or Balls.

There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

 

...most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

 

6. Does this make my butt look big?

 

Texas Poll

________________________________


The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:










29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."

 

That's the funniest thing I've seen in a while

 

No dear, your BIG BUTT makes your butt look big!

 

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH. . ..

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals, ammo and bait in the same
store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all
y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol'
boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

(I have heard this more than once!)

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You
just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
(so true!!)


In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens
in the oven, don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

 

LOL Happend to me except he was on his tractor

 

Damn.....that made me homesick....

Cajun / Al

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"