Jokes
09-11-2009, 08:42 AM
#71
Senior Member
Join Date: 12-30-2006
Location: Lake Conroe, Texas
Posts: 1,141
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring
Cut off from his willy.
According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his
pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip
the ring on his willy while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring
Got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !
Cut off from his willy.
According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his
pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip
the ring on his willy while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring
Got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !
09-11-2009, 08:55 AM
#73
Senior Member
Join Date: 08-29-2008
Location: NorCal BayArea
Posts: 936
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"
09-11-2009, 07:28 PM
#74
Senior Member
Join Date: 11-15-2008
Location: Newburgh, NY
Posts: 1,599
What's A Prius Good For?
Watch this road test and see what Billy-Bob thinks:
The link has to be copied and pasted into your browser. It does not automatically redirect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOvp69lnZbA&feature=related
The link has to be copied and pasted into your browser. It does not automatically redirect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOvp69lnZbA&feature=related
09-26-2009, 12:44 PM
#75
Founding Member
Join Date: 11-23-2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 8,210
Not a joke but still funny from Craigslist
91 Ford Explorer/ EXPLODER America's #1 Clunker! - $600 (West Creek NJ)
Ladies and Gents; Here is a great opportunity to own your very own example of one of the quintessential staples of white-trash America!
LET ME TAKE A MOMENT TO APOLOGIZE THAT THIS ADVERT WILL NOT BE IN THE TRUE AMERICAN E-TRADITION OF 48 POINT FONT COMIC SANS MS AND BRIGHT RED TEXT AND LOLZ
This charming green hulk of American misery is sure to squeak, shake, and rattle its way into your heart, wallet, and your tall grass on your front lawn. Yes, indeed this fine example of the work of under-privileged American artisans can be yours for the low price of only 600 American dollars (Cash Please. No foreign checks, western unions, or your mother-in law (I doubt she is very marketable these days!)
Currently, this truck runs, drives, and (EVENTUALLY) stops. Before you ask, the brakes are allegedly new, but only to the sub-par, late-80s-i-don't-need-to-stop-and-this-will-just-run-over-your-shiny-Subaru-standard) The oil has just been changed by a reputable firm, and thanks to a healthy set of leaks, it is continually changing itself. (You may want to purchase some shares in oil companies when you acquire this gem. I can include your choice of conventional motor oil in a dairy crate. )
The only two worry-free items on this car are, of course, imported. Only the finest Chinese windshield glass has been installed on this sloppy-utility-vehicle along with a set of Bosch Icon wiper blades which could possibly be worth more than this entire automobile.
My (soon to be former) manager though it proper to bestow onto me such a vehicle as "temporary transportation" while my other car was in the paint shop, and shrugged at my protests that a rocker panel should exist beyond expanding foam and spray paint, that a radiator cannot survive on JB weld, and that this behemoth guzzles not only gasoline, but small mammals, hand-turkeys, Asian children, and of course shattered hopes and dreams .
Perhaps the only worthwhile bonus to this vehicle is the fact that the four wheel drive works, so once you don your trucker cap and pull back your late-80s greasebomb hair, you can pick up your cousin and take her to your favorite backwoods spot for some quality time.
I will include a medium size brown paper bag, which can be effectively utilized to mask the driver's identity in the rare event that the driver may have some sense of dignity and self-respect. This bag can also double as a mask for your aforementioned cousin to mask her identity so that you can concentrate on the physical aspect, and not the lack of morality or disembowelment of codes of ethics or local ordinances on cousin to cousin relations.
Condition:
There is only one condition; If you agree to purchase this vehicle, you will remove it from my property promptly and I will never see, or hear from either you or this car EVER again. I don't want nasty emails, claims of broken promises of the details of the vehicle. I also would appreciate if you could stop to pick up any parts that may fall off as your drive this vehicle away.
This vehicle is sold as is. Please come and get it. Make me an offer.
Location: West Creek NJ
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1390029770
Ladies and Gents; Here is a great opportunity to own your very own example of one of the quintessential staples of white-trash America!
LET ME TAKE A MOMENT TO APOLOGIZE THAT THIS ADVERT WILL NOT BE IN THE TRUE AMERICAN E-TRADITION OF 48 POINT FONT COMIC SANS MS AND BRIGHT RED TEXT AND LOLZ
This charming green hulk of American misery is sure to squeak, shake, and rattle its way into your heart, wallet, and your tall grass on your front lawn. Yes, indeed this fine example of the work of under-privileged American artisans can be yours for the low price of only 600 American dollars (Cash Please. No foreign checks, western unions, or your mother-in law (I doubt she is very marketable these days!)
Currently, this truck runs, drives, and (EVENTUALLY) stops. Before you ask, the brakes are allegedly new, but only to the sub-par, late-80s-i-don't-need-to-stop-and-this-will-just-run-over-your-shiny-Subaru-standard) The oil has just been changed by a reputable firm, and thanks to a healthy set of leaks, it is continually changing itself. (You may want to purchase some shares in oil companies when you acquire this gem. I can include your choice of conventional motor oil in a dairy crate. )
The only two worry-free items on this car are, of course, imported. Only the finest Chinese windshield glass has been installed on this sloppy-utility-vehicle along with a set of Bosch Icon wiper blades which could possibly be worth more than this entire automobile.
My (soon to be former) manager though it proper to bestow onto me such a vehicle as "temporary transportation" while my other car was in the paint shop, and shrugged at my protests that a rocker panel should exist beyond expanding foam and spray paint, that a radiator cannot survive on JB weld, and that this behemoth guzzles not only gasoline, but small mammals, hand-turkeys, Asian children, and of course shattered hopes and dreams .
Perhaps the only worthwhile bonus to this vehicle is the fact that the four wheel drive works, so once you don your trucker cap and pull back your late-80s greasebomb hair, you can pick up your cousin and take her to your favorite backwoods spot for some quality time.
I will include a medium size brown paper bag, which can be effectively utilized to mask the driver's identity in the rare event that the driver may have some sense of dignity and self-respect. This bag can also double as a mask for your aforementioned cousin to mask her identity so that you can concentrate on the physical aspect, and not the lack of morality or disembowelment of codes of ethics or local ordinances on cousin to cousin relations.
Condition:
There is only one condition; If you agree to purchase this vehicle, you will remove it from my property promptly and I will never see, or hear from either you or this car EVER again. I don't want nasty emails, claims of broken promises of the details of the vehicle. I also would appreciate if you could stop to pick up any parts that may fall off as your drive this vehicle away.
This vehicle is sold as is. Please come and get it. Make me an offer.
Location: West Creek NJ
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1390029770
09-26-2009, 01:33 PM
#76
Senior Member
Join Date: 12-30-2006
Location: Lake Conroe, Texas
Posts: 1,141
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son,
all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you said........."Goats!!"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son,
all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you said........."Goats!!"
09-27-2009, 09:51 AM
#77
Senior Member
Join Date: 02-09-2009
Location: Downtown Saint Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 3,169
Door to Door Salesman
A door to door Salesman knocks on the door only to be greeted by a very young boy with a cigar in his mouth, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a Hustler magazine under his arm. The salesman asks, " Are your Mommy or Daddy at home?"
The young boys reply was "What do you think?"
The young boys reply was "What do you think?"
