A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?";

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

n South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six
died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from
Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA Hispanic gang banger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA
and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the
blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white
couple survived.

The fire chief said,

"They were at work."

 

The Inspector of an O.P.P. district in Northwestern Ontario was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, and Detachment commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Inspector decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The District Traffic Sargeant chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Detective Sargeant said it was 50-50%.

The Inspectors aide responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Inspector turned to the Constable who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PC responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.'

The Inspector was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers and N.C.O's would have me doing it for them.'

The room fell silent.

 

 

 

Ya that was good!

 

A S@#ting star

 

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able
to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
'because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January
when the lake is frozen and you were born in July you dumbass.'


(just had to share the pain)

 

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Acute Anal Glaucoma," she says in a very weak voice.

Her boss pauses & then asks, "What the hell is Acute Anal Glaucoma?"

"Well, I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'